I felt defeated today.

Well, defeated might not be the right word.

I felt frustrated. Discouraged. Exhausted.

Over a 50-minute virtual class.

…

As a first-year teacher—bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, and naïve—this is not what I imagined my first year of teaching would be. There was supposed to be a Pinterest-perfect classroom set up for group work and flexible seating. There were supposed to be students in the desks. There was supposed to be discussion and collaboration. Inside jokes and laughter. Engagement and learning.

I never pictured a blank classroom with empty desks that face forward and are spaced as far apart as possible.

I never pictured preparing for a school year only to find out that plans were changing (almost weekly) and I’d be teaching virtually for at least two more months.

I never pictured my students appearing only as small little boxes on a computer screen never to be seen or heard from once they’ve entered the meeting.

…

I like to be in control, and in my COVID classroom, there is no such thing as control.

How do you manage a classroom when your classroom is spread out into 40 different households?

How do you adjust wait time when your students are probably napping and are definitely not listening to any question you’re asking?

(I had a real life “Bueller? Bueller?” moment today and it was definitely not as funny as the movie made it out to be).  

How do you engage students who have decided that virtual school is the worst thing that could possibly happen to them?

How do you sympathize with the seniors who feel robbed of all the “lasts” that were supposed to come with this year?

(Because guess what? I feel robbed, too.)

…

So much new. So much different. It’s taking a while for me to accept that new and different do not equal bad.

…

I felt defeated today.

But I won’t feel defeated every day.

And for now?

That’s just going to have to be enough.